I can tuck mytits in my pants
I went to moterboat her and I started laughing, so I just kinda blew on them... I think I'm gona call that move the sailboat.
Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
As weird as that was it was probably the best advice i've ever gotten from a tranny
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
I love you but I don't want to see you naked.
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
I woke up to him watching me sleep and after I told him it was over he asked if we were still on for Vegas next weekend
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
When he busted out the ketchup I got the hell out of there. It got really creepy really fast.
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