I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
Here's my recipe for happiness. Go get a pen. 1. smoke a bowl 2. put on explosions in the sky 3. take a bath. Do this for about 1 hour or until all your problems go away.
you ever get that eerie feeling when you walk in a room, when you know youve barfed here before.
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
this isnt the first time ive seen her dressed as abe lincoln
you started keeping track of only every even numbered drink you had
I could end up kidnapped. Or worse, the night will be really awkward.
what's the appropriate greeting for someone whose bed you've had sex with someone else in?
well when I said that I would ride his face until he ran out of oxygen, that's when I knew I shouldn't be around beautiful people anymore.
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
He said we were going to get fucked up in the woods so here we are
Hey I’m obsessed with Charlie Heaton from stranger things...not because he got caught at the border with coke...okay that’s a lot of it
I'll pick u up. I have to buy a new sofa cover anyway. I swear I've never seem a girl cum like that before.
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
