a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
As my groomsman, I expect you to learn the Thriller dance with me before next September.
I'm terrified to sleep next to her. Of course the sex will be fuckng awesome.
Do you know how hard it is to get cum out of a straw hat!?
He ended up walking out of his bedroom and told me to look at the nonexistent fire he was holding in his hand. Im upset I didn't take those shrooms.
Does making ice cubes at 4 in the morning count as being productive?
at what point last night did we decide it was okay to let me hitch hike to another bar?
tequilla shots with my grandparents? christmas visiting just got so much better
Whatever, consider condoms an eighteen year investment.
I could probably save all of the money I would have spent on condoms and put a kid through college.
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
Oh well, he'll live. He has a hand and a penis.
She grinded so hard on my face that I've got rugburn on both eyelids
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
She sent a group text pic called "Assemble" of his dick next to her forearm.
I'm down.
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