It's like God shit irony all over that family
i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
All I remember about walking back home was that I maced my shadow.
Does puking on your bio final mean I can retake it?
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
This is what happens when you live with someone you met on Grindr
You're only allowed to hookup with one freshman a semester. MAKE IT COUNT.
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
Yah... You need to get here. Evan just peed off the karaoke stage.
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
The only thing I remember about us having sex is yelling at him to choke me.
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