She might as well just lie down with one of those red "Easy Buttons" next to her
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
i draw the line when you ask for directions at a place you're already at.
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
She said "oh yeah" like Hulk Hogan with the muscle flex and everything. Totally digging this chick
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
Rumble strips road head = magical
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
I praised you last night for winning a chug off...you thanked me with a ridiculously hard headbutt. Thanks dick.
if the furniture in my bedroom wasn't shape shifting... this would be a different story.
That guy was drunk and couldn't get it up so he just tried to scissor me.
I said no to friends with benefits because it was too much commitment
I didn't realize how hungover I was until I fell asleep in my math lecture, and woke up I'm my history class. How is got there still remains a mystery...
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
Randomize
