I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
I am looking at the epitome of fake boobs right now
I'm at the psychiatrist, and this lady is crazy.. she keeps yelling about how her HMO insurance gave her breast cancer? Adderall isn't worth this.
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
We banged through her entire lady gaga playlist. I can die happy now
he likes to slap my ass alot untill he missed and hit his own balls poor bastard kept on going.
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
If this party got busted it would be an improvement
He just had a handle of vodka with ice in it yelling at people hot august night mother fuckaaaaa and was pouring it on his face
Taco Bell is giving high school kids free tacos STEAL YOUR BROTHER'S WALLET I'LL BRING THE WEED.
I know it's going to be a good day because he didn't notice the bite mark on my butt.
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
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