I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again
My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.
It was one of those "since we're naked anyway" type situations
this is the last time we take the mathletes drinking.
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
The least you could do before I go into your room is throw away the condom wrapper from the other girl I know you're banging.
It's official, there's a sex tape of me floating around some high school
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
Tuesday Boozeday turned into What-the-fuck-were-you-thinking Wednesday real fast.
all I know is this drummer better stop eye fucking me while he plays cowbell. it is way too early for that.
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
the fact that you trapped hornets in a mailing tube to put in his mailbox does not surprise me sadly.
Randomize
