Hey sorry about saying i hated you. it was the coke and the ice cream.
She was crying, alone at a college bar. It would have been rude NOT to try and show my penis to her.
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
If I have to go to the hospital, at least put my pants back on. It's been a fantastic night.
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
No it's ok I've been talking to the girl at the Chinese restaurant about your dick for the last 20 minutes. I haven't mentioned your name but she thinks she knows you.
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
This makes me appreciate being single with no prospects.
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
Only I would get an underage 24 hours before turning 21.
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