Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
i just taught a 3 year ld how to do a jager bomb, i cant wait to have kids
he just flipped me off the bed, said "deal with it", and came on me.
FUCK BUDDYS DON'T HOLD HANDS. NO EXCEPTIONS.
I got back at him the only way I knew how, by hooking up with the guy he hates from their rival fraternity.
The best revenge is living well. Or pooping in his sunroof. Either or
AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
also my alarm just went off. I am always amused at what time drunk me decides to wake up.
Your ability to whip out your dick and take a pic anytime I text you is startling.
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
I wish you looked at me the way you looked at my brothers penis
Because that's what you do with poop. You expect the worst.
definitely good. no good can come from sex in a very full public venue.
Watching South Park, doing sit-ups and drinking tequila. In other words, my night is going pretty good.
Randomize
