Bea Arthur died yesterday
You shut your stupid mouth
Betty White is next, I just know it.
Betty White will never die! She's like Dick Clark. Rue McCalahan is next.
neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
Im drunk and they're making me play quiet game. Im scared. Baptists are here
Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
He broke the bed, AND shit in the closet. What a way to lose his virginity. What a night.
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
So for St Paddys day I colored my junk green and got a little hat for him....wanna see it before I sober up....
I have a hickey in my new work ID photo.....
So I hung out with an australian but woke up with a British man in my bed does that make me culturalized
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
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