NEED BACKUP we are in the kitchen arguing about who would win in fight against lil Wayne and snoop dog
the drag queen on stage looks like shes wearing the EXACT same dress i wore 2 senior prom.
I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
after last night, i judge her for not breaking up with me
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
He said that he didn't know what level the sun was on, and then he puked.
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
After last night I never want to be in the back of a cop car again. No leg room.
Dude, my vagina feels like new again! I love antibiotics. How's your day?
Let's just say that I took off my pants and I had superman boxers on. Then she took off her pants and she had batman panties on. I think she's the one!
We played 2 very competitive games of Jenga and then fucked our brains out... BEST. RELATIONSHIP. EVER.
It's just really funny to hear them talk about March for Life when literally every single one of those girls has had an abortion
He's a douche. But I like the way he chokes me.
Randomize
