I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
Some kid just walked into class with his schedlue written on a keystone box.
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
Dude tried texting you during but she threw my pants too far away
My roommate just walked in with a case of beer locked himself in his room and told us he was going to masturbate his feelings away...
He said "just hugs" and ran away screaming.
So it may have been laced, sue me.
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
Apparently fireball doesn't mix well with my no carb diet
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
He made me tacos after the sex. Best date ever!
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
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