just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
you ate skittles off the table like a hungry hungry hippo. it was awesome.
That's the great thing about NY, if you pee your dress you have an entire cab ride to air dry your panties before the next club.
This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
Elton John & Lady Gaga just did a duet on the Grammies. How appropriate. He likes cock & she happens to have one.
You seriously need to keep doing my sexting for me. I just said something about "riding cock like a dick rodeo"
while you laid on the ground I poured water into your mouth out of dog bowl some random guy walks by and said now that's what I like to see.
Edward fifth and chaser hands
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
"Home for the holidays" isn't clearance to fuck the recently 18 year old high schooler right?
Nope, his last birthday was.
Look, as a friend I'm asking to see a picture of his tiny dick
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
So basically he is jobless, a potential serial killer, and has poor taste in music? We simply don't have time for that.
So Saturday night after 10 drinks I guess he tried to have sex with me and in the middle of it I asked "can you tell I'm faking it!?" and then I sat up and threw up in my hand. That's a sex Win in my books
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