so...dinner was kid's cuisine and a bottle of wine. i think they go well together.
Let's make jello shots for tomorrow
What's going on tomorrow?
Nothing, it's Wednesday
Note to self not a good idea to try and make out with a girl when she's crying over her boyfriend
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
Just got walked in on while fucking in the lounge in the performing arts building. The janitors gave us five minutes to leave and applauded our exit
he gifted me a vibrator as he was breaking up with me. you tell me how my night went
You still owe me a blowjob for knowing more about hurricanes than you.
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
You're not gonna like every guy whose dick I put in my mouth
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
He poured champagne on my pussy while he ate me out. I found my unicorn.
They're giving you narcotics aren't they?
If I offered to share would you come visit me?
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
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