totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
I may also break bread with strippers. Because it is passover.
that blow job was not worth the clinginess that will follow
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
Some guy dressed like Santa just handed me a bottle of tequila. I NEVER WANT TO LEAVE CANCUN
Those titties aren't worth a lifetime of listening to her talk about gluten free yams and japanese manga.
Well if I'm going to hook up with every ethnicity by the end of undergrad, I need to be moving on
AND FUCKING MGMT JUST CAME ON. CAN I GO DROWN MYSELF IN LESBIANS OR SOMETHING? IS IT TIME TO LESBIAN
we're fated to lesbian
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
Also I owe you 20 bucks, a clean towel and a glass of scotch. I'll even throw in a blow job
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
it's unicorns you uncultured swine
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
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