I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
i think the whole apartment complex could hear you beating off last night
i feel like words won't express my appreciation properly so at some point i'm just going to bring you pizza then go down on you for an hour. fair?
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
i can't understand anything he's saying. But he spells alcohol right everytime so i deciphered it.
How is it that I've hooked up with not one but two guys in the children's section of a bookstore tonight?
My code for I need help will be if I'm holding a bud light lime..
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
Stop touching yourself.
Wtf!?!?!?! Did you install a camera???
I walked into my house with my pants inside out, no shoes and a limp. My mom asked me if I had fun but I passed out before I could reply...
once he tried to wake me up from my hangover nap to have sex, that's when things went downhill. he had to go.
Yeah he drove 30 minutes at 3 AM to come fuck me in my neighbors treehouse
I HAD TO PAY A COVER FOR THE FIRST TIME LAST NIGHT. My tits didn't get me in and I was so pissed.
Had to claim I'd "gone lesbian" to get my cat back. Thank God I got away from that one.
It wasn't as awesome as they lead everyone to believe. No stripper. Ran out of booze. The chipmunk. He was real.
Randomize
