I just saw a pair of panties stretched over a fire hydrant on campus... I need to get the fuck out of this town
Just had sex in the basement of the library... I knew I was paying $120,000 for something more than a law degree
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
my tonsil wound opened up during the kegstand but i stopped it with a popsicle
Just pissed in my own closet. Had no idea adult dinner parties could he so awesome.
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
Just do let me go home with anyone especially I a guy with a hair sweater
THIS IS WHY I WENT TO SCHOOL FOR TO BE A COSMETOLOGIST TO HELP MY EX BOYFRIENDS CURRENT GIRLFRIEND BE MILDLY ATTRACTIVE... Everything DOES happen for a reason
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
If it makes you feel any better they literally are drinking alcohol out of a toilet. They are serving drinks out of a nasty ass toilet...!
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
he's spending the night tonight. if i can walk straight tomorrow i'll be pissed.
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