just gave a yankee's fan wrong directions to Fenway....welcome to boston asshole
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
I feel like college is just an experience in what names I can't name my future son.
They nicknamed me the gargoyle. Sex with me is getting gargoyled. The last one I fucked yelled "gargoyle me" for dirty talk. I think fucking me is part of their pledging initiation. Somewhat OK with this.
i like being sick. whatever the doctor gave me is awesone. the walls are waving at me. i never want to get better.
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
Then you started asking people on the drunk bus if they knew the word "gumption". if they didn't you told them they weren't taking advantage of their high education opportunities and you were disappointed in them.
Pot head idea of the day: make a maraca out of weed seeds. Or a rain stick? Definitely rain stick.
Nothing says never again like hurling in the shower.
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
I have a boner and a quesadilla why aren't you here
I have what looks like a rubber stamp mark on my cock from last night that says "Magic Marla Approved" Do we know a Marla?
I tried getting kicked out of my favorite bar. No matter what I did, I could do no wrong
See I insist I'm not a groupie and then I say things like "will bang for a backstage pass".
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