someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
i don't have fun when you have fun. i have embarrassment, fear, and significantly less cash in my wallet.
He passed out mid-signature
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
I woke up at 6 on his trampoline wearing only a parka.
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
Stop. He threw up in front of Madison Square Garden security. Spit at the guys feet and grunted ughhh at him.
im celebrating the fact lent is over and i can give blow jobs again.
I'm so tired of waking up with my bed full of deli meats.
You should fuck with them and beat off in the cup and then walk out an be like, "This was a sperm donation right?"
Ok I've processed it. Who the fuck makes out drunk in a parking lot in a backseat with the windows down in the middle of the day?!?!
Come to office depot with me I need help picking out a daily planner that will help me keep all of my casual sex dates organized.
Whatever I'm getting wasted, my costume's bomb, and there's a good chance I'm getting laid. Not letting stupidity ruin my night!
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
Randomize
