did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
Let's go to weight watchers and eat in front of them.
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
his mom and I have the same butterfly tramp stamp. don't ask how that came up
If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right
Why are there sofa cushions on the floor? And why isn't there a sofa in this room that doesn't have cushions?
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
At least I got to make out with you a little before you proposed.
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
Dude. Cvs sells sex toys. And my discount works on them. Game on.
You were silly, high, and chewing on things.
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
So if I run into you on the street, I'm supposed to just stop drop and suck your dick?
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
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