oh my god I didn't know your sister was this good at french kissing
My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
I think I'd rather ejaculate tabasco. You'd have to scrape out guacamole.
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.
A picture just appeared on facebook. I am puking in the toilet, you are next to me puking in the sink. I think we have our christmas card.
He corrected my use of grammar... I think we both know that means i have to sleep with him
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
He was respectful of both me and my One Direction calendar.
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
i saw way too much penis for that to have been a funeral
I appreciate your acceptance of my lack of morals
Hold me and let me compliment your butt
We have massive handle of kettle and a rack of hi life
That's the happiest ive ever been at 7:48 am....
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