Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
i was just skypeing her and i saw the vagisil medicated wipes in the corner of her room. i'll be breaking this off tomorrow
Ya I guess he's not a bad roommate. I mean if he wasn't here I would probably be more lazy and pee in bottles and stuff.
You went from loaded cattleman, to football player, to better football player, to art major from Missouri. Your future was looking so good for a while.
Being the only sober one.. I had to feed you guys doritos. You kept licking my fingers.
time for you to cut the loving, understanding, non-judgmental crap and say/do whatever it takes to make sure I never, ever, ever sleep with him again ever
Two dudes. Loud music. Dancing shirtless possibly naked. Why would I ever need cable?!
Starting St Patrick's Weekend, non stop flights on Pacific Whorelines to the scenic HotMessXpress. Get the cougars ready, it's gonna get weird.
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
Blow jobs in the hobby lobby parking lot, oh lawd there gonna pray for me when they review those tapes ...
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
You chose shitty college football over this pussy and my cute little mouth. That's your fault.
Showed up to pick her up in my boxers. Lets just say im 2 for 2 with this new idea
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