If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
If this place produced love children they would be born wearing Lilly Pullitzer with raging coke addictions.
Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
ya i looked horrible drunk and pregnant isn't a good combination
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I had the spins so badly it was like I was having sex with 2 girls
I thought of you while cleaning the forehead prints off my glass doors.
Its all fun and games until someone grabs the electrical fence.
No, this is non-alcoholic oatmeal.
You threw up with your ski mask on still.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The last thing I remember was paying off her younger brother not to judge me, then puking on his shoes.
Just to warn you I probably wont be able to do anything that involves standing up
I'm sitting in Starbucks, waiting for direction in my life, or it to be 8 p.m. Whatever comes first.
Naw. I'm tired and I'd have to shave my legs. I doubt the sex or the company would be worth it.
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
I have been adopted by a clan of drunken skinny dipping tourists.
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