i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
i knew it was time to break up with him once he pulled out the Halo foreplay costumes
like semen in my mouth is absolutely disgusting but i'd still like to experience it
Seriously? Time stamp. 2:31 AM. And I am taking self potraits with a tree. Betty Ford anyone?
Well, i'm not sure how that works so i wish both you and your vagina luck on your voyage.
Oh btw I took the eighth out of the plastic wrap so I could use it to wrap my red pepper. This can be seen as either pathetic or resourceful.
I'm going to do lines of vitamin c I cannot be sick for halloween
She texted me shhh....im drunk, secret booty call...how could i say no?
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
I just jacked off to nostalgia.
Hey every now and then can you tell me you want to fuck me to boost my confidence? Thanks.
When he said he lived in a closet I thought he meant his room was really small or something... But he actually has a queen size mattress on the floor of his roomates walk-in closet.
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
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