Are you missing anything? I found a wedding ring in my bed this morning.....
i did the 'picked up item' thing from zelda when i jizzed on her face
so you're single again?
yea but it was worth it
I got to stop making out with my boss at work. I think we should just get it overwith, be dissaponted and move on.
You couldve had sex with 2 drunk chicks on an alligator slide.
Teflon bitches. Nothing fucking sticks to this kid, not even a kid. Maury Povitched this shit outta that situation.
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
In case you're wondering where my head is at right now, it's wishing that I was getting laid and not having a debate about cheese.
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
You merely adopted the alcohol. I was born into it. Molded by it. I didn't see the hang over until I was a man and by then it was only blinding.
Is it too early in the day to be getting dressed for the strip club?
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
Dad danced on top of the bar with me last night. And has a video of me doing a beer bong.
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
Randomize
