2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
we were taking shots of hot tequila, which is even worse than it sounds
Let's play a little game called "Chill the Fuck Out" - you're our first contestant
i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
5 Four Lokos being cheaper than a case should be illegal.
Don't mind the bowl full of ashes in the sink. I meant to set that on fire.
There's puke on my pillow. I'm still wearing my wedges. And I have a cab drivers number clutched in my fist.
Someone got day drunk, but I'm not saying who.
It was me.
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
If your gig isn't over in 30 minutes I am coming on that stage to come on your dick.
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
He was more upset that I got into his phone than about getting caught cheating.
There's nothing like when u really click with a stripper
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
not only did I call my ex crying but drunk me also deleted the phone log so I had no warning when I saw him in class
Randomize
