the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
I legitimately sent him a storybook of naked pictures.
Woke up with string cheese braided into my hair- literally braided
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
You should know me better than that. I don't whore around. I promise this is a blowjobs only kind of trip.
I hereby state that I am over the age of 18. If I am not of age to purchase or consume alcohol products, I hereby acknowledge that I have not received any alcohol products from said party host. Also, in the event of injury or death, said party host is not to be held accountable. Please reply with your full name and today's date for your e-signature". *note: no text, no entry.*
Sorry bro, just a precaution. You know, ever since the "Jake incident". What a douche.
I danced on the street to dubstep on a boombox for an hour with a lesbian single mother.
You should imdb "mourning wood" to see what I'm doing with my $80,000 English degree today
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
I tried to have sex on someone's sisters horse last night
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
I just wanna inform you guys that the first pregnancy scare of 2016 is over...
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
Randomize
