the condom got lost in my hair
Sorry 4 leaving u in the dumpster last night
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
Dude, you went to another fraternity's formal as a joke and came home with one of their dates. AND you managed to get her number. Please explain to me how that's not a good night.
Is biking from my house to 6th street for liquor pitchers a good idea or a bad idea
and i do believe that will be the last time you send me a photograph of our mother in her underwear.
so it took us like 45 minutes to get into the party.... then when we wanted to leave we were blocked and forced to stay.
....you got kicked INTO a party??
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
I was just thinking about all the dick I could catch while I am home. But then I realized I am too lazy to get out of my pjs and leave my cat.
I started my period on international women's day. It's like the world is congratulating me and punishing me for being a woman at the same time
Dude why can't I remember anything after walking in from my first beer bong?
It was immediately followed by your second, third, fourth and fifth
Sexting just isn't as much fun once you learn how bad he is in bed...
where are you guys?
stoned at his house watching water boil
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
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