we went back to her place to bone only to find her boyfriend having sex.. with MY girlfriend
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
The fact you even thought licking it would fix it boggles my mind
Well it worked
Not the point
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
In hindsight, trust falling your grandma was a bad idea. Sorry about that.
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
Probably twitter. Never underestimate a psycho girl with wifi
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
Woke up the day after the party with a bruise on my stomach. Pretty sure my liver was trying to escape for fear of it's life.
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
I told her I was dressed as a gag reflex judge.....she won, literally hands down.
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
I wanna riverboat gamble on your vaginal waters. Just sayin
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
Randomize
