you guys were way drunker than both of me
NEED BACKUP we are in the kitchen arguing about who would win in fight against lil Wayne and snoop dog
He asked about stds. I told him I don't have any... which I don't. They are now called sti's. Whooopsie
do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
Tried to eat a chip. Mouth wouldn't cooperate. Nearly died. Wow I've missed this.
Just took 4 secret shots in his bathroom to not remember him naked.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
he just asked me that if he was a penguin and I was a penguin if I would fuck him
Oh my God it's like my cock was dipped in lava
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
Randomize
