I hate that the only Italian aspect of me is I get red and sweaty when I drink
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
It was like getting head from an anaconda
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
Look, as a friend I'm asking to see a picture of his tiny dick
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
I felt like in order for him to make it to mordor and destroy the ring, he'd have to make sweet sweet love to me in some form of hut or cave.
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
I don't think it's ever a good night if I'm this hung over and I didn't even get an orgasm out of the deal...
Just got home, my brothers stoned and he got a high score on COD.. He just asked me if I wanted to have a celebrational yogurt with him. Wtf?
Omg the sex was so good my ears popped. Thank god too. Cause then I didn't have to hear him going on and on about his dumbass feelings. It's called a booty call bitch.
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
Randomize
