I hate your face
Katie is reenacting me jizzing in her eye via emoticons...
My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
Fuck buddy has no power. Invited her over to use my shower. I love hurricaines.
no. the fact that it's halloween completely overrides the fact that it's sunday. youre going out whether im dragging your boring ass or not.
So I realized I was officially over him when I was getting a lap dance on the keg bus at 3am from his old boss and I was double fisting:)
Three people drank on "never have I had sex in a tractor." Iowa at its best?
Finishing last nights 1.5L of wine and beef jerky for breakfast. Work looms, ever the prickly bitch.
Halloween is the only night where I would ever end up getting a guy's makeup all over my face
Still at home. Videotaping hamsters.
You went in the back with her.. And honestly I couldn't tell her neck from her tits man..
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
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