What did I say to him last night?
Something along the lines of "your not here, I'm going to fuck sam. call me later babe, this won't take long, love you"
all in all not a bad night
What kind of poor, pathetic town do we live in where a horny teenage girl is sitting in her basement on a saturday night, unlaid?
Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
At first i thought she was a sexily dressed toddler. but not in a pedophile way, in a really on drugs way
A valiant attempt to obtain a backhoe was made
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
I did something very bad. More specifically, my boss.
So uh. Your future in porn. Would you be willing to wear an alien costume for it?
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
His nipple licking is glorious
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