I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
Can the rest of this semester just go by as a montage?
At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks?
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
That's not a good night. A good night is waking up with no skirt, no money, and the imprint of the edge of the bar on your forehead.
sick fucks of a feather flock together
We had to leave. Dave knocked a dude out for saying yolo.
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
Just sent a dick pic to ur girl. It was accident. Plz mail it to Gena.
He was stoned and starts screaming, "I ain't got but a dollar, I wanna hear waterfalls!". Maybe he can hang with us....
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
Randomize
