i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
So Easter dinner for me was at 4:40 this morning where i made Bagel Bites and had a glass of Chardonnay
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
Never backflip into an above ground pool. I think the gash will be smaller by Monday though.
it's my birthday, i should be around people i want to fuck
just found out that she named her cat after me.
I woke up in Brittany's thong, Tony's shirt, and an oven mitt
Life's too short to be sucking dicks in cars for the rest of my life.
Is it completely inappropriate to base my morning after pill purchase on if they sell coffee or not?
I have a 30 minute video visit blind date tonight with a guy in prison. And it's costing me $9. ROCK... BOTTOM...
I was at a hookups house and peed in his sink so I wouldn't wake up his mom... drunk me is on a different level
You're swimming in an imaginary pool of pudding. What do you think?
Randomize
