Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
You stuck your head out the window to puke and got hit with a mailbox.
We're trying to decide between cracker barrel an the ER
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
Basically as long as the fan is pointed at my vagina i can cool off enough to sleep.
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
I just laughed so hard that my back cracked so hard that I thought I was cumming. Magic
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
found a thong and $20 in my right pocket. it's going to be a good day
In the last 2 hours I managed to have romantic starlit sex on the beach as the tide came in with not only just a gorgeous man, but one who happens to be Eastern European and finishing Harvard law school.
Oh wow. I want to be you right now.
I cant believe you bit her ass cheek, she must have been really weirded out.
yeah so we made out to make it less awkward
Nothing personal but yes I would be suspicious If I saw 3 guys and 2 girls in the same bathroom stall together
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
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