You screamed, "I am going to fuck this cheeseburger". They all started laughing until you actually started having sex with the cheeseburger.
I didn't know people actually cried after sex.
Her dress is practically falling off. It must know I'm here.
I find it ironic that im starting my birth control on mothers day.
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
It's Christmas week. I wouldn't know what to do if i wasn't hung over.
Oh, I forgot to ask if u have any idea what happened to the back of my ear and if u were present when I almost fell off the roof...
And I can taste the vodka through my ears. Good god.
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
I realize designer coke was a douchey thing to say but the point of the story is I did bath salts
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
You must be buzzed on Miller Lite.. Zen master advice is flowing
You just want to live out all your fuck fantasies with all these girls through me. I know your game. Well played sir.
I don't want to be flamboyant (says the guy who bought a hot pink suit to be a flamingo for Halloween)--but I don't mind being a little extra.
Randomize
