my penis was classy and tasteful, i don't know what her problem was.
he borrowed my computer and saw his name in my recent google searches. Things got awkward real fast.
i guess its officially winter break. i woke up alone and fully clothed this morning.
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
She asked if you knew her boyfriend, and you responded that you "think you gave him head once" and then hiccupped.
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
i would like you to please flash back to us blacked out in the bathroom when you told me i needed to take one for the team and have a threesome with you and jon to help your relationship. you then told me you had no issue putting ghb in my drink to make it happen.
Just walked in on him banging another girl. He told me " sorry but I'm gonna finish now that I'm caught" ...... I think this is the reason god gave me four older brothers....
You know, part of me wants to die and the other part of me doesn't want to live
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
Then we woke up and they shouted "Emergency Vodka!!" and that's how we got redrunk.
Should we make a shared Google doc list of places we want to fuck? Like a scavenger hunt?
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
Randomize
