I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
Her mom offered to give me a lap dance. I was a guest, I couldn't say no.
Softest bathroom rug I've slept on in my life, there have been many
All I remember is a very aggressive two-stepper who inadvertently made me give myself a black eye with my own beer
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
Go christen that room with your naked body.
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
I'm still home, my life isn't together. Currently drying my pants
My sexual preferences tend to require a degree in psychology to understand
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
At one point I believe I was despencing medical advice while wearing a sombrero and a hulk hand
this old people party is bangin. they have apple cider with everclear in it
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