Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
Too bad it's not "confirm, ignore or not unless I've had 20+ beers"
i just discovered a movie that charlize theron is a sex addict. i think my prayers have been answered
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
This can't be good. I've realized that I weigh less in the morning after I have had a blackout drunk night than when I work out and eat healthy.
He went around feeding all the high kids pretzels. He's like their god now
she could've warned me his penis was curved
ya i dont think she expected you to get with her boyfriend.
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
They switched jackets and you didn't notice. You made out with both of them and had no idea
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
he offered me cocaine within 5 minutes of my arrival. yes of course i'm keeping him
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
Randomize
