census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
just bought miller high life, hungry man dinners, and a bottle of lube. you win life, you win.
Her little brother was home, so we had to hook up while playing hide and seek with him
listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
you are the sluttiest virgin ive ever met
thanks it was an honor just to be nominated
Thank you, bloody toiletpaper I found in the hamper. I was worried that today was going to be boring.
If Amber from Teen Mom can get a new boyfriend, so can I.
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
For months it was all good and well just having sex. Now, something in me has snapped and I'm dreaming of taking turtleneck Christmas pictures with him. Fuck you, we're going out tonight. I need this.
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
I'm 10 cats away from completing my post divorce transformation.
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
Randomize
