in my opinion joe jonas is kinda pointless. hes just the pretty boy front runner.
So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
I'm actually pretty neutral about a lot of things. I'm like Switzerland with a penis.
That's the last time I try to be adventurous at a gas station
Can we please just celebrate being alive this far into the school year and just get drunk?
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
I had some like war flashbacks of giving someone a handjob and i was trying to figure out who it was.
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
She is just sitting by the bathroom like a little puppy waiting for a knight in shining armor to take her in there to fuck her. New low?
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
Why put me through the conflicting battle of being happy for your vagina but sad for my vagina for no reason ahole
Sundays were made for eating Ramen pantless in bed.
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
Apparently his version of saying "I'm Sorry" is streaking around our apartment building then asking for a blow job.....
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