By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
And we will make penis cookies and eat them suggestively
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...
Its fiiine, tuesday is like the thursday of wine wednesday. And i mean, free beer for girls at the grove...im not NOT gonna take that offer up!
Look at your life. Look at your choices.
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
There is no try. Just do it. Yoda said that. Or Nike. I can't remember. whiskey
I'm on acid right now in three feet of snow. I NEEEED YOOOOUUUU
I cant see straight, her clothes are all over my floor and I'm covered in bite marks... No I will not go to brunch with you
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
hey man , the girl you brought home last night is in the kitchen puking in the sink and asking if she can have more shots of Whiskey....think i should give her a shot glass or send her home....
Congratulations on giving me my first and second hickeys last night. I made it almost 30 years without one, but who needs class these days?
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
Randomize
