Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
Your roommate was biting my friend last night. It was weird.
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
Is puking blood really that bad of a sign? Can we pretend this is okay?
It's okay.
i miss our vodka / percocet laundry days.
No, its ok. Im playing strip pretty pretty princess im currently dueling for the crown
It's times where you wake up in the hospital after trying to road surf that you wonder what you're doing in life.
I just literally had a dance party in my closet. I've never been this blazed.
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
Fuck you fireball...just straight up fuck out of here
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
fyi my negative pregnancy test is taped to the fridge...i'll take it over an A+ any day. be proud.
Randomize
