I wanna wear you like a flannel shirt
The pirates hijacked 3 more ships today!!
we need a boat to join in
Obama is on top of it we'd get killed within mins, but we'd live in legend foreva
i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
Let the vodka take you where it will. Like Pocahontas, but wasted
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
I used the hope and guess method to figure out who I slept with last night.
Most girls get hit on with a $7.00 drink. You get hit on with a $750K plane.
looked up people from my old yearbooks. 3 ex boyfriends are gay. im getting drunk now.
Take off your clothes and see if he wants to have sex, that's a good way to find out
It's Jesse McGoddamn Cartney, the whole world sings that shit
Did I tell you that I told him I deleted his dick pics and he almost started crying?
This is a hangover from hell. Delivered by the devil himself.
Randomize
