Halfway through banging her I realized that she was playing a sex playlist on her iPod...first time actually having sex to R.Kelly's "bump and grind"
I have two stamps on my hand....ones from the bar and one is from an aquarium...care to explain?
Never again. I promise. My old gay body can't handle that much adrenaline twice.
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
He wants to hookup..at the fair..this is our chance to leave him stranded with no clothes.
I really want to fuck that guy in the full wind breaker suit
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
Really uncomfortable with the level of eskimo brotherhood at this family reunion
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
Give me the sexing that I truly desire and I will reveal to you the mysterious location of the PBR's
I HATE BEING THIS HIGH FML IT'S LIKE I'M MAKING UP FOR ALL THE 4:20S I DIDNT DO ALL AT ONCE
Randomize
