I find it funny that "sexual harassment" contains the phrase "ass sex". Let me know what your thoughts are on the matter.
I have no idea who these bands are he's listening to. If his current playlist was a pandora station, however, it would be titled "music for closet cock gobblers"
so I'm coping with getting the "I'm not over my ex" bomb dropped on me by getting drunk and yelling at people while wearing a purple princess hat
He ate me out on the balcony. My asian neighbors cats are judging me...ALL 3 OF THEM!!
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
Young lesbians are the worst. And also what got me through high school, sooooo
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
You walked up to a random girl on the street and asked her for a bite of her pizza...
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
Randomize
