did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
he shattered multiple jars of jelly against his roommates doors last night. this morning the asian one wouldn't even talk to him because he thought he was gonna get beaten up
Is it bad that I was more upset about not getting the perfume he told me he had bought for me then the actual breakup?
My last google search last night was 'vodka swimming pool'.
you took the tequila shot and then procceded to eat the lime..we told you to spit it out but you just straight face kept chomping
I always congratulate people on their vaginal emancipation.
The number of males in the usa getting circumsized are decreasing. Keep this in mind when we become cougars
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
You flew out of the bedroom, stole two Solo cups from the beer pong table, put them on your feet, clicked your heels together three times
Does Jesus have blonde highlights? Pretty sure I saw him in a lavender shirt and Sperry's.
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
i feel like a cleansing fire is the only way to purify the house
Jus pulled over and stole. Corn out of a. Field. ... get on my level
yeah, I woke up with nacho cheese crusted all over my face and head...a lone jalapeno still stuck in my ear...you win this round drunk nachos....
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
Randomize
