Lets drop out of school and be professionally skinny and drunk
bought some hannah montana deodorant. hope it doesnt make me smell untalented
Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
Hey when you wake up and read this, we really need to stop pullin our dicks out when we drink dude. I have all the pics, yall are assholes
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
When I woke up everyone at the party was in their underwear. Only you guys were playing strip pong.
Yes, we all have the power to convince a large amount of people to take their clothes off
Hey, if I'm gonna bastard a child and ruin his life, I'm going balls out.
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
I threw up in a pringles can. how do you think my night went.
Yo. What's your name again? You put "don't tell your landlord" as your name lol
Not all of us can be into hot dads. Some of us have to have commitment issues and be into musicians.
Why yes, I DID want cramps for Christmas, how did you know God?
Randomize
