I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.
you woke up, pulled a beer bottle out of your pants..took a drink and went back to sleep.
I'm ready for my liver to be the last casualty of 2009
He got so drunk that he tried hitting on a girl using nothing but his Samuel L. Jackson soundboard application on his Iphone
Ok, so for future reference, in Rome, "piano bar" means "brothel".
She dropped a weight class after every shot I took. I thought I was just drink something magical.
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
Can I write your parents a thank-you note for your huge dick?
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
The most awkward thing in the morning is seeing your teacher's dick right before you go to his class.
Dude we were sitting at my place stoned as fuk then someone knocks on the door and it was my neighbor giving me a huge box of cookie dough. Magic of weed.
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
Randomize
