Do you know how hard it is to conceal the fact that you puked all over the bed that someone is sleeping in?
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
I knew as soon as he opened a beer with his teeth to shotgun it that I was going to sleep with him. I'm never going home.
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
Omg he has a washer and dryer IN his apartment and lots of back up toilet paper. I went home with an adult. My uterus is pumping out eggs beyond my control.
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
You should make us a hot pocket to split while I go throw up.
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
you bit my nipple really hard and then looked at me and said 'i feel responsible for the state of your nipples'
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
Randomize
