I skipped class, don't know why though bc all I did in the meantime was cook pancakes and watch infomercials..my life sucks
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
I mean, once you get beat with a dildo you can't look at someone the same
I made Mark strip for me and do a stripper dance. I put 2 dollars in his mouth
If you wake up tomorrow and start to wonder.... Yes you did just eat mild sauce from taco bell out of the package while informatively yelling about the loss of my virginity
I am a woman. I need to be selective about the porn I stream on my phone. Who knows if my cell will ever get lost, who will see it and what they'd think otherwise. Keepin' it classy tampa.
I broke out the Krispy Kreme, and am possibly having random internet sex in less than an hour. I think I got this breakup under control.
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
did you just try to prove your straightness by quoting a lady gaga song?
Fuck that guy and his dumb haircut and awesome dick
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
Idk what's worse.... Yesterday not waking up in my bed or today waking up in the hello kitty gown.
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
Randomize
