Also my back is semi rug burned and I'm holding you fully responsible.
I would love to give you more rug burn
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
All I can remember is being told by a guy named Kyle to stay in the corner until the cops left. Then waking up on a porch outlined in beer cans 8 blocks from my house. Pregaming for college.
You were crying because you hate wine coolers but you really wanted to prove you could finish it
I'm going to pound you from behind over a table at the bar while I pull your hair and call you a whore...please pass along that message to Rob
I'm gonna make some noodles and go to bed. Hopefully I don't fall into the stove or something.
We need to get stoned and watch Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2. This has become a priority. Schedule accordingly.
By the way, do you realize that you asked me how much you could get for your eggs last night. And once you learned the price said that you had plenty to share.
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
If pulling your dick out counts as a hobby that is his.
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
I'd still fuck that
You'd fuck a dead moose
Quite possible
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
Randomize
