I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
Some old truck driver just made me smell his beard I hope tonight turns out better
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
I just power puked in the office bathroom.. blew blood vessels in my eyes and now I'm ready for a donut.... success
Also, I guess I made friends with the guy who caught me peeing behind a bush.
Dont worry bro, i'll be the designated kayaker. I wouldnt want u to be drinking and kayaking.
Seriously. We gorilla glued our hands together. Eating pizza last night was impossible.
The packers need to win more often, Andrew keeps drunk calling me and confessing his undying love for me in between puking and taking more shots.
Ohh man. That was a snatch-waxer with a score to settle.
Yeah yeah, I don't care. I bought a super soaker, so lets please go attracting attention by spraying each other while wearing white tank tops?
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
You're supposed to discourage my sluttiness not bring me hot Colombian men
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